Dear Elliot

Dearest Elliot, 

I have been your fan for years. When Juno came out, I was sixteen years old and fully depressed, and awkward. It was such a welcome relief to see a teenage girl that wasn’t wearing low cut shirts, and a face of make-up. It was so nice to see a young woman that was like me. Hoodies, a pony tail, and no make-up. Sure, it was just a role, but there was something about you as a person that was coming through that I related to so much. I felt a real kinship with you. It made sense some years later when I discovered you were also a lesbian. I had just come out myself, and very shortly after I came out as transgender. I was blown away when I found out you came out as trans. We have a lot in common.   

I remember when I first came out as transgender. I felt like I finally made sense of who I was. It was like I could start over on a blank canvas. I remember the pure joy and exhilaration of starting testosterone. Everything seemed to be brighter, and better. I felt more alive. I had energy that I didn’t even know I was capable of having. I finally felt sexual, and confident, and free. It was unbelievable to me that something so simple could make me feel like I was finally becoming whole. I’m sure you can relate.  I’ll admit some of it was really awkward, there’s that in between stage in the first year. The facial hair is scarce and sad, and your voice isn’t quite to the deepest level yet. It passes really quickly though, before you really have time to process it. Then suddenly you look in the mirror, and you’re almost unrecognizable. Or maybe even more recognizable, because you’re finally able to inhabit your body. And just be..

But sometimes you’ll look in the mirror, and you’ll still see Ellen. And sometimes you won’t be able to shake the feeling that you’re a liar. You’ll say something a man would never say. Or be in groups of women and miss that common bond, and safety you mutually felt around each other. You’ll feel inadequate and kind of silly when you’re around men, and you’ll certainly be disgusted when you hear the things they say when they’re alone together. 

 It eventually got to me, personally. Sometimes I would be with groups of men, and I couldn’t help but feel that I wasn’t one of them.Of course that makes sense, transmen aren’t exactly the same as men. I couldn’t stop wondering if I did the right thing when I looked myself in the eyes.  I tried working through it by just accepting that I was a different man, with a female body. It helped. But the more I made peace with being a female forever,  the more I wondered why I thought I was a man anyway. The answer for me was that I related to the physical aspects of being a man much more than I did with being a woman. I did it all because I wanted a dick, frankly. I started asking myself why that was, digging deeper and deeper.. 

Was it just innate? Is it possible all of the discomfort of being a girl was because I was really a boy?  Did I associate having a dick with having sex without shame, or pain? Was it because of trauma? Was it because of the way I was made to feel about my body, and the way all females are made to feel? Was this all just a new way of dealing with a mixture of insecurities, patriarchy, trauma, and internalized racism and homophobia?  I could never answer with complete certainty. That bothered me.

Then my body also started bothering me. I had debilitating cramps somedays. It progressed until it was almost daily.  To top it off, eventually every time I had an orgasm I would have unbearable cramps ( often the orgasm would stop in its tracks, because it was so bad), and it would last for hours. So I stopped taking hormones for good after that. I wasn’t necessarily giving up on being a trans man when I quit, I wasn’t sure about anything and my body was frantically asking me to stop, and take a step back. So I did just that. When I stepped back, things became very clear to me. I had been taken advantage of by medical, and psychiatric professionals. None of my responses to trauma had been addressed. The people I had trusted to not let me make wrong decisions, did not care what decisions I made as long as they were paid the correct amount. The reason I could never stop feeling like a liar was because I was living a lie every single day. I had been trying to escape the oppression, and devastation, and horrific things that came with being born a female. I couldn’t escape it, it’s not possible, not completely. Even if I had gone as far as having surgery on my genitals, and making it a point to pass really well(which was never a problem), and the whole world looked at me as a male nothing could erase the truth. The truth doesn’t care about what surgeries you’ve had, or who believes your lies. It remains the same. 

I’m genuinely afraid that our lives' similarities will continue when you soon discover that you can never really become a man. That there’s no such thing as being a man in your brain or your soul. There’s no such thing as an in between gender, in fact there’s really no such thing as gender. There's just a billion different ways to be a female or male. When you say things like you can finally cut your hair, and wear suits, I hope you realize that you’re telling young girls that they can’t do that unless they “identify” as something other than a woman. It’s so fucking harmful.

  I’m sorry that you feel that it isn’t safe of acceptable to be your self completely. It’s a horrible place to be, I remember it well. I felt it heavily when I first came out as a lesbian. I always felt disconnected from my body, and inherently wrong. I never quite fit, even with the lesbians. I felt like I couldn’t be a full human being. I’ve come to realize that was mostly in my head, and that all women feel like they don’t fit in, or aren’t good enough at being a woman. The feeling of not being a full human being, that’s the truth though and it’s the most painful part. It’s woven into our patriarchal society, it’s part of the conditioning of every girl. And the girls who don’t submit properly, we’re made to suffer the most and be the most vulnerable to ideologies that tell us there’s something that isn’t right about us. Now it comes in new progressive packaging, but it’s the same shit.

  I think most people are pretty convinced that you’re doing what’s right for you, or could give a fuck less. I’m not convinced, and I do give a fuck. I know the look in your eyes all too well. I fear for the aftermath of your crash, and the crash is inevitable. The thing is that most people don’t have to deal with it in the public eye. I'm afraid of what that will do to you. I fear that you won’t make it, if I’m brutally honest. But I hope with everything in me that you do, and that you’re able to speak to and for all the young women you’re currently influencing to make life-long, life-altering decisions. I hope that when that day comes, you’re strong enough to say you were wrong. I don’t look down on you for the decisions you have made. I can’t imagine what it’s like to be an out lesbian in Hollywood, and under everyone’s gaze. It has to be hell, and the pressure is unimaginable to me. 

Elliot, I say this and mean it with love, and with complete respect for you and your unique path in life: It’s not too late to stop.  I will be here for you when you come back. There will be lots of us here for you with open arms, and nothing but compassion. No “I told you”. No “you should have listened”. Nothing but love, and deep empathy. There can be a full, beautiful future for you after this. You are not damaged beyond repair. You’ve always been perfect, and I’m so sorry this world, and this new found gender nonsense so clouded your judgment. Nothing can, and nothing will make you any less of a perfect woman. I love you.  

In sisterhood, 

Raven